The Façade of Control: An Existential Sex Therapist's Reflection
Control is one of our most seductive illusions.
In the therapy room, I often hear clients say things like:
“If I could just get my desire back…”
“If I could stop thinking about sex so much…”
“If I could figure out the right technique, then I’d feel normal.”
These longings are understandable. We live in a world that tells us we should be able to manage every part of ourselves—our thoughts, our bodies, our relationships, our pleasure. But as an existential sex therapist, I’ve learned that what looks like a need for control is often a deeper anxiety in disguise.
What Are We Really Trying to Control?
When clients seek control over their sexuality—whether through perfectionism, withdrawal, over-regulation, or even compulsivity—they’re often trying to manage something more elusive:
The fear of rejection
The pain of past trauma
The shame of feeling “too much” or “not enough”
The uncertainty of intimacy
The vulnerability of being fully seen
In existential sex therapy, we don’t try to fix these experiences by tightening the grip. We loosen it. We explore what’s underneath the urge to control—what the body, the desire, the avoidance might be saying if we stopped trying to silence it.
The Cost of Control
Control can create the appearance of safety. But often, it comes at a cost:
Diminished spontaneity
Emotional disconnection
Sexual numbness or rigidity
Loss of intimacy with self and others
When control becomes the primary strategy, we may feel less chaos—but we also feel less alive.
Sexuality, by nature, is unpredictable. It involves surrender, risk and the unknown. To seek total control over it is to shut down the very qualities that make it meaningful.
The Existential Perspective
Existential therapy views control as a defense against existential realities: uncertainty, freedom, mortality, isolation and meaninglessness. When we feel overwhelmed by these truths, we often cling to the parts of life we can manage—schedules, bodies, identities, routines.
Existential Sex Therapist
But in doing so, we may miss the deeper invitation: to meet life as it is, rather than trying to master it.
As an existential sex therapist, I work with clients not to eliminate their need for control—but to understand it. To trace its origins. To explore what it protects against. And ultimately, to invite a more honest relationship with the vulnerability that lies beneath it.
Surrender Is Not Weakness
Surrender doesn’t mean chaos or recklessness. It means opening to the truth of your experience, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means allowing for desire without needing to predict or perform. It means making space for intimacy without demanding certainty.
In existential sex therapy, surrender is a form of courage. It’s saying: I am willing to be here—with myself, with another person, with the mystery of it all—even if I can’t control what happens next.
Final Thoughts
Control promises safety. But meaning, connection, and erotic vitality live elsewhere—in freedom, in risk, in the rawness of being human.
If you find yourself trying to manage your sexuality like a checklist or a threat, you’re not alone. And you don’t need more control. You need space to explore who you are underneath it.
Existential sex therapy offers a space to step out from behind the facade of control—and into a deeper, more truthful relationship with your desire, your body, and your being.
Curious about working with an existential sex therapist? Reach out to begin a conversation. You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to be willing to start where you are.