Fate, Sex and the Shadow: An Existential Sex Therapist’s Reflection on Jung, Stoicism and the Unconscious

As an existential sex therapist, I often find myself straddling the line between ancient philosophy and modern depth psychology. The quote often attributed to Carl Jung (although he never wrote these exact words, moreso he expressed the essence of it)— “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” — sits at the heart of my practice. It’s a wake-up call, a reminder that the forces shaping our choices in love, desire, intimacy and suffering often originate from deeper, unseen strata of the self. Without awareness, we become actors in a script we never consciously agreed to — but still feel bound to perform.

Jung and the Erotic Shadow

Jung’s concept of the unconscious includes everything we disown, suppress or forget. In existential sex therapy, this often means exploring our “shadow” — the parts of our erotic selves that have been repressed due to shame, cultural narratives or trauma. Maybe it’s the fantasies you never speak aloud. Maybe it's the unmet need for intimacy masked as casual sex.

Or maybe it's the way you repeat painful relationship patterns and label it “just the way things are.” You find yourself drawn to the same unavailable partners, reenacting the same arguments, the same ruptures, the same heartbreak — each time with a different face. The scenery changes, but the story doesn’t. You might tell yourself, “This always happens,” or, “I guess I just attract this kind of person.” At some point, resignation replaces reflection, and you begin to see these patterns not as clues to something unresolved, but as fate — inevitable, fixed and outside your control.

But what if these patterns aren’t your destiny? What if they’re your unconscious in action — trying, in its own language, to be heard?

In existential sex therapy, this is often where the real work begins. Not with “fixing” the pattern, but with understanding it. We explore: What emotional blueprint are you carrying from your past? What unmet need or unhealed wound is asking to be seen, again and again, through the people you choose and the dynamics you recreate?

This isn’t about blame — it's about awareness. Until you become conscious of these relational repetitions, you’ll continue to call them “normal,” “familiar” or “just who I am.” But once you see them for what they truly are — echoes of the past showing up in the present — you have a choice. You can interrupt the cycle. You can act, rather than react. You can choose love over compulsion, intimacy over reenactment.

And that’s the beginning of freedom.

Existentialism: Owning Our Choices

Existentialism intensifies Jung’s call. It says: You are free and therefore responsible. As an existential sex therapist, I help clients confront this difficult truth — that their sexual and relational lives are not predetermined by trauma, parents or fate. Yes, those forces shape us but they do not define us. We are not condemned to repeat. We are condemned to choose.

Jean-Paul Sartre would say, “Existence precedes essence.” You are not born with a fixed nature — not even sexually. Your desire is not a diagnosis. Your preferences are not moral failings. What matters is how you respond to the givens of your existence — loneliness, freedom, death and embodiment — with honesty and integrity.

In sexuality, this might mean saying yes to your desires without shame or no to patterns that feel soul-numbing. It could mean embracing monogamy, kink, asexuality or the ambiguity in-between. The only requirement? That the life you're living is one you’ve chosen — not one your unconscious has chosen for you.

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Stoicism: Peace Through Awareness

And what of Stoicism? Where existentialism says “own your freedom,” Stoicism says “own your mind.” Epictetus teaches us: “It’s not events that disturb people but their judgments about them.” This is especially relevant in sex therapy where so much of our suffering stems not from what happens in our relationships — but from the meanings we attach to them.

You ghosted someone and now believe you're unlovable. Your partner rejected sex and you spiral into abandonment panic. A breakup feels like proof of your unworthiness. These are not truths — they are judgments. A Stoic lens invites you to pause and examine the story you’re telling yourself. Is it accurate? Is it helpful? Or is it a reaction from the unconscious — the part of you still trying to survive an old wound?

Stoicism doesn’t ask us to suppress emotion. It asks us to discern what is in our control — and what is not. In the realm of sexuality and intimacy, this can be profoundly liberating. You cannot control how someone loves you, but you can control how you show up. You can’t avoid heartbreak, but you can choose whether it deepens your awareness or hardens your defenses.

The Integrative Path

Existential sex therapy lies at the intersection of Jungian depth, existential freedom and Stoic clarity. It's a practice of making the unconscious conscious not to control it, but to dialogue with it. To ask: Who is speaking here — my old emotional wounds, my shadow self that I conceal from others, my authentic erotic voice? And how do I respond, not with reactivity but with conscious choice?

This work is not about fixing you. It's about freeing you. Because once you become aware of what you’ve been blindly living out, you gain the power to shape your relationships with intention. To create intimacy rooted not in compulsion but in consciousness. Not in fate but in freedom.