As a Houston sex therapist specializing in existential sex therapy, I often hear couples—especially parents—say, “We miss our sex life… but we want it to happen naturally.” Spontaneous sex has become the cultural gold standard for “real” desire, as though the only meaningful intimacy is the kind that erupts magically between bedtime routines and grocery lists.

A newly published experimental study challenges that assumption in ways that align deeply with what existential sex therapists see every day in practice. Its findings illuminate a different path—one rooted in intentionality, freedom, and the courage to choose connection.

The Myth of Spontaneous Sex—and Why It Matters Existentially

In Western culture, many people inherit a romantic script that says passion should “just happen.” From an existential sex therapy perspective, these assumptions are not superficial preferences; they become narratives about meaning, identity, and what sex is supposed to say about our relationship and our aliveness.

The study confirmed this:
Most people believe spontaneous sex is more satisfying than planned sex.

But this belief becomes an existential constraint—shaping what couples think they “should” want and limiting the creative ways they might cultivate intimacy when life becomes full and demanding.

What the Study Actually Found

The researchers followed 514 parents with young children, offering some of them a brief article reframing planned sex as beneficial.

Here’s what happened in the next two weeks:

1. Couples who shifted their beliefs had more sex—28% more.

Not just more planned sex—more sex overall.

2. They experienced higher sexual desire.

Planning didn’t kill desire.
It increased it.

3. They did not feel more pressured or obligated.

Among those who had sex, planned-sex couples reported less sexual obligation.

4. Planned sex increased satisfaction—for those open to it.

Couples who held positive beliefs about planned sex reported:

More relationship satisfaction
No decrease in sexual satisfaction
Less sexual distress

Those who clung to spontaneity-as-ideal?
Planned sex felt less satisfying and more distressing.

Why Planning Sex Works: The Existential Sex Therapy View

As a Houston sex therapist working through an existential lens, these findings make intuitive sense. In existential sex therapy, we look at how choice, authenticity, and meaning shape erotic experience. Planned sex supports all three.

1. Planning restores a sense of freedom.

Existentially, freedom isn’t about doing whatever you want—it’s about choosing meaningfully within your constraints. Parents often don’t have the luxury of spontaneous desire. Planning becomes an act of agency:
We choose connection.

2. Anticipation is erotic.

Anticipation is one of the cornerstones of eroticism. Many participants described the pleasure of knowing sex was coming.
Anticipation lights desire. Spontaneity is not the only erotic fuel.

3. Planning challenges the narrative that good sex must be effortless.

When couples drop the belief that sex should happen “naturally,” they stop interpreting planned intimacy as failure. Meaning shifts, and with it, satisfaction.

4. Planning fosters mutuality.

It reduces miscommunication, misfires, and hurt feelings—especially common for exhausted parents.

The Limits of Planned Sex

An authentic existential approach requires honesty:
Planning won’t resolve deeper emotional disconnection or untreated sexual pain. A minority of participants reported increased pressure or disappointment when plans fell through.

This underscores an important point:
Planning sex works best when it supports mutuality—not obligation.

A skilled existential sex therapist can help couples navigate those dynamics.

What This Means for Parents (and Anyone with a Busy Life)

This study offers something liberating:
Permission.

Permission to redefine what a meaningful erotic life looks like.
Permission to drop cultural scripts that no longer serve you.
Permission to choose intimacy even when spontaneity is out of reach.

As a Houston sex therapist, I see this shift change couples every day.

A Simple Framework to Try at Home

Here’s a gentle, research-backed approach:

1. Talk about your beliefs around spontaneity.

Explore the meaning beneath your preferences.

2. Create a container—not a demand.

“We’re setting aside time for erotic connection Friday. Let’s see what we want in that moment.”

3. Build anticipation.

Text, flirt, share something you’re looking forward to.

4. Keep planning mutual.

Planning is not pressure. It’s collaboration.

5. Stay flexible.

If plans fall through, the meaning—not the schedule—matters most.

Final Thoughts

This study expands the definition of real, authentic desire. Planned sex is not less passionate or less meaningful. It is intentional, relational, and—especially for parents—profoundly liberating.

In existential sex therapy, we honor the freedom to create intimacy in your own way. Planned intimacy is not a sign of something broken. It is evidence that you are choosing each other with clarity and care.

And sometimes, that choice is the most erotic thing of all.

Reference

Kovacevic, K., Smith, O., Fitzpatrick, D., Rosen, N. O., Huber, J., & Muise, A. (2025). Can shifting beliefs about planned sex lead to engaging in more frequent sex and higher desire and satisfaction? An experimental study of parents with young children. The Journal of Sex Research. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2585377

Planned Sex vs. Spontaneous Sex: What Really Works According to Research